the art of the handwritten thank you note
an excuse to be a stationery snob
My Midwestern education taught me the following:
How to control a skid
Corn makes it into just about everything we eat (and candy corns are part of the harvest)
What seasonal depression really looks like
“It’s nice out” can mean it’s 38 degrees
How to write a handwritten thank-you note
On the latter point, writing and/or receiving a handwritten thank-you note is like snagging a prime-time table at Bernie’s. A rarity.
I believe that learning how to write a well-crafted, handwritten thank-you note is a hidden superpower—one that was passed down by my mom, Stacey Cantor.
Since the ripe age of 131, handwritten thank yous have helped me 1) secure invites to dinner parties and my friend’s family vacations 2) build and strengthen professional relationships, and 3) make a meaningful impression.
In addition to advancing my personal life and career, handwritten thank-you notes have enabled my stationery obsession—aka it’s an excuse to be a stationery snob.
So, in today’s edition, I sat down with my mother, Stacey Cantor, for a little Q&A on how to perfect the handwritten thank-you note.
Note: This interview took place many months ago. I randomly decided to publish this newsletter tonight and to possibly kickstart some more writing work.
Me: Hello! Hi mom! Let’s begin the interview. Well, first of all, thanks for taking the time to chat on this fine evening.
Mom: You’re welcome. Laughs.
Rachel: Let’s start here. What do you think goes into a stellar handwritten thank-you note?
Mom: Well, there are certain elements that need to be present. First, you need to thank the recipient for the specific gift you were given. You don’t just say, “Thank you for the gift.” You mention the gift by name—whether it’s a lovely meal, a candle, etc. It shows that you have awareness.
Rachel: What if someone gives you cash?
Mom: In that case, you should include language that speaks to the recipient’s generosity (i.e. “Thank you for your generous gift”).
Rachel: Okay. What else?
Mom: Then, I think a thoughtful thank you note includes how you plan on using the gift or how the gift connects to you. Finally, if the gift was given for an event (i.e. engagement, birthday, wedding), the last part of the note should touch on whether or not the recipient was present for the event and how you enjoyed their company. If they weren’t there, nod to when you’ll see them again or say that you hope to see them soon. Those are the bare bones of a handwritten thank-you. There’s room to elaborate, of course.
Rachel: Anything else?
Mom: When you write a bunch of thank-you notes, it’s easy to get a little slap-happy and off-topic, but that’s okay! What matters is that the note is in your voice. The best thank-you notes come from the heart.
Rachel: When did you start writing thank-you notes?
Mom: I’ve been writing them basically my whole life. I think I started writing thank-you notes because I love stationery. In grammar school, we used to trade sheets of stationery. Everyone collected paper goods and kept them in old shoeboxes. Of course, it was way more common to write letters back then. Nobody had cell phones or email.
We used to gift stationery for our friend’s birthdays. I would frequent the stationery store in town and scour the whole kid’s section. It was filled with Mrs. Grossman’s stickers. My favorite.
Rachel: How did you know you were so good at writing thank you notes?
Mom: I never knew I wrote good thank-you notes until Dad and I got engaged and started receiving gifts in the mail.
I spent a good chunk of time writing thank-you notes. Grandma Bonnie and Grandma Hedy’s2 friends told them how thoughtful my notes were, and that was the first time I realized my thank-you notes were special.
Rachel: What does “good stationery” mean to you?
Mom: It’s all about the weight of the paper I like good, heavy cardstock. I love when the pen soaks into the paper. Also, I like to write with a fine-tip, blue pen.
Rachel: Why blue?
Mom: It stands out more. Plus, it’s lively!
Rachel: How do you make time to write intentional thank-you notes?
Mom: If it’s for something like an engagement, gifts will come in over time. Keep a running gift list, and write a few thank-you notes every day. Add it to your to-do list, so you don’t procrastinate and leave it until after the event.
I also think it’s rude to send out a thank-you note more than 4 weeks after a big event. I remember writing all my wedding thank-you notes before we left on our honeymoon.
If you truly don’t have enough time or if the habit starts slipping away, I recommend resorting to postcards.
Rachel: I love postcards.
Mom: Who doesn’t? It’s all about habit-forming. You don’t have to write a novella. It can be short. But, it does have to be personal and timely. It’s better to write the thank-you note and be late than not write anything at all.
Rachel: What about the envelope experience? Do you jazz it up?
Mom: Oh yeah, handwritten notes are a great way to use your sticker collection or any fun markers you have. Everyone loves a nicely decorated envelope. A little doodle didn’t hurt anybody. You can even draw a text bubble on the back and write something like “Hi from Chicago!” or “Thinking about you!”
Rachel: Stamps are fun too!
Mom: Yes! I have quite a stamp collection. I’ve been hoarding stamps for your wedding and Ethan’s too. I just bought a new sheet of stamps the other day. It’s an endangered species collection. I use up the ugly ones on the bills I pay, and I save the cute ones for future invitations. Stamp collecting is one of my secrets.
Rachel: What about handwriting? Do you have to have nice handwriting?
Mom: It doesn’t matter if you think you have bad handwriting! A thank-you note is still way more personal when it’s in your own writing. No one’s judging you. Slow down and enjoy the process. However, you do have to make it legible.
Rachel: Is it okay to email a thank-you note?
Mom: It’s ok to send a thank-you email. But, I think it should be followed up by a written thank-you.
Side note: I also write letters or thank-you cards to people who are good at their job (i.e. servers or salespeople). Those thank-you’s matter too.
Rachel: Do you write a thank you when you go to someone’s apartment for a dinner party?
Mom: You can bring a hostess gift. It’s like a prologue. You don’t have to write a thank-you note after the event since you already brought a “thank you” to the gathering.
Rachel: Any parting words for readers?
Mom: Thank yous come in all different forms. Just make the habit of saying thank you. It’s a solid Midwestern value. I don’t think Midwesterners can claim to have invented it, but they’re pretty good at practicing it.
Think of it this way: A handwritten thank you note is like living in a state of gratitude.
The year I wrote hundreds of handwritten thank-you notes to my friends and family after my bangin bat mitzvah. The theme? Rachel in Wonderland.
When I was little, I couldn’t pronounce my Grandma’s name, Harriet, so I called her Hedy.
Loved this interview with your mom! 🤎🤎